Born From the Same Root

I am Bang, and Hsien is my big brother. We are only a year apart in age.

When we were young, we were often mistaken for each other by our grandfather, even when I look at our childhood photos, I sometimes struggle to distinguish who is who.

Due to our parents’ inability to care for us, Hsien, at the age of two, was sent to live with our grandmother in Chiayi. I, on the other hand, was sent to Chiayi at the age of six when our parents decided to divorce. Our personalities and destinies may have been influenced by these different arrangements, but we were unaware of it at the time.
From a young age, Hsien showed remarkable talent in drawing, and our home was filled with his art awards and certificates. I was always envious, and in my early years, I saw him as a lifelong rival.

In the year Hsien finished his military service, he decided to move out and live on his own.

After that, he lost contact with our family for three years. Later, I learned that during those three years, he worked as a laborer in Taoyuan through friends’ recommendations. Unfortunately, he suffered both mentally and physically due to illness.

One day, after stopping his medication for three days, Hsien called me.

“Bang, just a while ago when I was in the restroom, suddenly my spine sent shivers, everything went pitch black before my eyes, and I felt like I was dying. This sensation lasted for about ten minutes. Then, I started hearing ringing in my ears. So, I reached out my hand, waving it in front of my eyes, but I couldn’t see anything. After a while, a beam of light appeared, gradually growing brighter, and only then did I begin to see my fingers.”

Hsien continued, “I felt like I came back to life.”

I asked, “Besides taking medication, do you want to try doing things you love, like writing scripts, articles, boxing, meditation, or something?”

Hsien replied, “Living.”
I asked, “What?”
He said, “Right now, I just want to live, living is so painful.”
This statement made me release all the jealousy and competition I had felt toward him. I asked him, “Hsien, can I photograph your life?”
He responded, “Sure.”

Is it the illnesses that lead to the decay of life, or is it the decay of life that causes the illnesses? What are the forces and reasons behind pushing us, as brothers, into entirely different adult worlds? What is the emotional bond between brothers? Through photographing Hsien, I aim to try and understand these complex questions.

— Bang Tsai Ting